Where I Am is Where I Should Be

Time is such a funny and strange thing. First of all, it’s an illusion, so jot that down (cue meme I made).

Secondly, no one can ever seem to agree on whether or not it is moving too fast or too slow. I mean, not even in ourselves can we make up our minds. Days to me feel like lifetimes, whereas months seem to pass in a blip. Usually, I loathe that; I hate the inevitable passing of time in a world where there is so much to do and not enough hours in the day to do it all. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m not asking to be immortal. I ain’t about that vampire life. Maybe once in the 8th grade… but that was a long time ago.)

But lately, I’ve been feeling myself ready for new days. New months. A complete shift in my time-space. That’s not to say that I am unhappy. On the contrary, I’m actually very much filled with joy at this point in my life. What I’m saying is, I think I might just be rull big dumb™. Here’s why, just so y’all don’t think I’m being mean to myself.

I am happy. More than happy. I have found a home in Alaska at a job that I love. I am surrounded by people who care so deeply for me. Surrounded by the presence of God. I am loving and being loved like I could never have imagined. Things are good. God is even more so, and yet, I feel anxious. Maybe I am broken, but why isn’t the word “happy” synonymous with “content” right now? I am deeply craving something that I cannot seem to get my hands on, but the problem is, I don’t think I should be. And so I circle around my own head, searching for what is good for me and what I want, yet, lost in the translation of which is which. Or hopefully, which is both of those things.

You’d think I’d have learned by now that I do not know what I need better than the almighty Father. I have written songs about it. Journaled about it. Shoot, that’s basically my entire testimony! This is why I am dumb. I never seem to learn. I am constantly needing to be reminded of God’s omniscience and my lack thereof. I don’t know anything, but I know that that’s gotta mean something. I’ve been wanting things to be different, even though I’m completely happy with what I’ve got.

It’s like this: I am watching God mold the clay jar that is my life. It is so beautiful and well made. I am wide-eyed and amazed at how perfectly He works. But then I think, “Oh man, wouldn’t it look super cool if God did this with my jar?” and so I reach my hand in and my fingers touch the clay, but I am no master of this craft and so I totally botch it.

I drag a gross, uncoordinated finger through God’s beautiful masterpiece and He’s like “dude, what the heck are you doing?” and I’m like “Ah, well, I just really wanna have a line on the jar right here. Wouldn’t that be cool?” and God has to look at my stupid face and say “My child, I am working on this in precisely the right way. Your idea is fine, but I promise that mine will be so much better. And if it is going to have that line that you want, I will make it in my time and you have to trust me, even if I do it differently than you’d planned.”

There’s that word again: Time. Don’t you just hate it when you have a problem that is entirely self-created and you possess the tools and knowledge to fix said problem but like…you really don’t want to just yet? That’s where I am right now. I feel lost. I feel like I wanna jump ahead in time. I wanna be where I know that life will be better, even if I have to skip over a few months to get there. I have dreams and ambitions. Hopes for my future that I am anxious to get a start on: marriage, adventure, security. I wanna try and go back to school. I wanna see the world. I want to love without conditions. That’s not a bad thing right? To want good things for myself?

The problem is, God doesn’t want who I am going to be in 8 months, or a year. He wants me, as I am right now, and He wants me to love that and to want Him. He gave me all of these wonderful things and has blessed me so much. Why am I so eager to discount that and want more? That is so selfish. So greedy. He is enough right now. I’m learning this about myself: I need to remember to slow down. To savor what is here, now. I have always been one to dive into the unknown. I packed up and moved to Alaska for crying out loud! I am hungry. I am restless. But I cannot rely on mundane, worldly things to satiate that hunger. I have to sit still. I have to wait because the potter knows what He is doing. I have to trust God that where I am is where I should be, and that what is to be mine will be mine, all in His perfect time.