Needy

I sometimes wonder what it feels like to have all of my needs met without having to beg for that. Perhaps that is a melodramatic way of putting it, but there are moments when I need to allow myself the freedom to express the drama that I keep buried in my heart. I spent a big portion of my life minimizing my emotional needs in order to appear easygoing. This has manifested into a tendency to put others before myself, in practically every regard. I have given so many pieces of myself to the world that I feel like I exist as a mosaic of a woman. Fractured. Not quite shattered, but not entirely whole.

And maybe that is the root of my problem. When I see myself as a fraction of a person, I tend to allow people to love me a fraction of the way, thus leaving me feeling empty and wanting more. I seem to always be wanting more, and I haven’t been able to figure out if that is because of a lack of love coming my way or perhaps maybe there is a black hole where my heart should be. The kind that consumes and devours, but never feels satiated.

*It should be noted that I am in the throws of the painstaking process of loving MYSELF more, and so when I say things like “My heart is a black hole” I often need to forgive myself for having these thoughts. That’s kind of what this post is about. Just stick around a bit longer and I promise that I’ll get there.*

As a child, my capacity for love was outstanding, and yet there seemed to always be a deficit. I don’t blame my parents, or God, or anyone really. I was born into a big family, and my mom and dad loved me to the best of their abilities, no matter how much of that love felt distant or cold. Some might call it neglect, and maybe once in my youth I did as well, but it feels more reasonable to simply consider it unfortunate. If you’re familiar with the concept of Love Languages, you’ll likely know that there are five of them, and the Love Language that you value the most is typically the one you were shown the least as a child. So a fun thing that I learned is that when you’re given scraps of affection as a child, as you start trying to develop your Love Language, you kind of go a little wild. Any miniscule act of affection or kindness is shown to me and it feels amazing and overwhelming all at once. Each of the different types of Love Languages start to feel like maybe it is the one I value the most, simply because being loved in every aspect is so foreign. I hear a kind word and my heart does backflips off of the high dive in my chest. My brain screams “YES! MORE OF THS! PLEASE JUST A CRUMB OF AFFECTION.” However, the double edged sword here comes when I realize that this whole “being loved” thing is uncharted territory (hey, I wrote a song about that) and I feel, almost embarrassed at how much I love being loved. Kind of like I am not supposed to be? If that makes any sense. (To the rational mind, it shouldn’t).

As an adult, I don’t think that I ever truly allowed myself to be loved, for a number of reasons. One of those manifested into some fun little abandonment issues, which is a hoot. Gotta love that for me. My fear of being forgotten or abandoned is one of the reasons why I have built myself into an easygoing person. The kind of person who is a comfort for others. A home for the weary travelers to rest their tired feet. I do not have big opinions because I do not want to scare people away. I do not express my emotional needs too loudly because I worry that I am asking for too much. I guess, when you ask for a mile and have to become comfortable with receiving an inch instead, that sort of feeling is reasonable. When I ask for love in small ways, I fear that I am too needy. And especially when I ask for love in rational ways, that feels even worse. This has led me down a path of attracting “takers”. The kinds of people who use me, not as a home, but as a rest stop. A hotel. I attract people who don’t seem to know how to love others well, and that makes it easy to know and love me.

The word “needy” is often thrown around as an insult, particularly aimed at women. A Needy Woman is clingy and co-dependent. She relies on the approval of others in order to feel a semblance of self-worth. But you know what? Fuck that. What people are really saying when they call you needy is that they can’t be bothered to understand your emotional desires and refuse to step up to the plate and provide you with the security that you deserve. I’m thinking specifically in romantic relationships at the moment, but this sentiment extends into the realms of most dynamics, give or take a few outliers, of which I’m sure exist, I’m just unaware of them.

It has taken me nearly 25 years to give myself the grace I need to forgive the wounded child I used to be (and truthfully, I’m still trying and recovering from those wounds). It doesn’t make me a bad person to want to be loved. To want to be desired. If I have the capacity to love someone as deep as the depths of the ocean, it is not too much to ask to be loved in return. It isn’t wrong to have needs. And it certainly isn’t wrong to have standards. Even if those needs feel small. Some examples of things I want to ask for but make me feel needy when I do include but aren't limited to:

• Responding to my texts in a timely matter

• Matching my energy when I'm passionate about something

• Telling me that I'm funny, or pretty, or talented (because... hello? I am.)

• Holding my hand

• Being honest with me

• Updating me on your day. Really, I like getting a text that just says "I just made a great sandwich". Like !!! YES OK IM PROUD OF YOU AND I LOVE THAT YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH TO SHARE LITTLE PARTS OF YOUR DAY WITH ME! (it makes me feel like I am a part of your life)

• Playing with my hair, or letting me play with your hair

• Asking me to sing that new song I wrote, just for you.

• Sending me music you think that I'd like or things that make you laugh

• Sending me things that remind you of me

• Knowing what I like from starbucks and sometimes surprising me with it.

Someone who makes me feel like I need to beg for their love isn’t the kind of person I want to be loving me anymore. When someone tells you that you are too much for them, too needy, remind yourself that this is a downfall of theirs and they simply aren’t enough. If they are unwilling to fulfil your needs, that is their shortcoming, not yours. I have to stop minimizing myself for people who exist to take up space that belongs to me. I do not need to be half of a heart so that someone else can be whole. I used to think it was romantic that I would set my entire self on fire just to give someone I love light and warmth, but it isn’t. I wish that I could give my younger self a hug and remind her that my existence doesn’t have to be small and soft. I am a fully realized creation. I exist. And I want to be loved in big ways.